I’m Struggling, I’m Human.

It’s only human to have bad times. 

This last week for me has been exactly that. No, I’m not going to write a post pretending everything’s just ‘fine’ because that would be giving a glossed picture of recovery.
See, the truth is the aim of being positive is still just a relative concept. Even those with years of practise can not always determine unexpected fluctuations… 

Shaky moments are perfectly normal! 

People who seem to have it altogether still have rough patches. With good intentions effected by fate it leaves us no choice but to get on the train at the next station.

For me reminding myself of something I read whilst inpatient really helps me to put things into perspective and give me the courage to carry on. With the passage striking me on a personal level I really wanted to share it with you all….

“Picture yourself when you were five years old. In fact dig out a photo of little you at that time and tape it to your mirror. How would you treat her, love her, feed her? How would you nurture her if you where the mother of little you? I bet you would protect her fiercly whilst giving her space to spread her itty bitty wings. She’d get naps, healthy food, imagination time, and adventures into the wild. If playground bullies hurt her feelings, you’d hug her tears away and give her perspective. When tantrums and meltdownss turned her into a poltergeist you’d demmand a loving time out in the naughty chair. From this day forward I want you to extend that same compassion to your adult self.”

I do not intend on sharing how it related to me but would l love to know if it impacted you in anyway… please let me know! Now, have the best week possible and keep moving forward.


Bright Monday!

A message for the world, your going to have a great day!

The third Monday in January is often called ‘Blue Monday’ and is billed as the most depressing day of the year by the media. The highest suicide rate is today, but hopefully this can change!!

With campaigns naming today “Bright Monday” this year help us break this trend! 

Need inspiration? Here are four easy ways to join in this activity:

1 – Wear bright clothing on Bright Monday – anything from a colourful shirt or tie to brightly coloured socks.

2 – Call a friend – Check in on someone you may not have spoken to in awhile, or who you think may be struggling. Make a cup of tea and get chatting!

3 – Dress up your workspace – print off colourful images or decorate your area with some new plants, print out a quote, a joke, or a photo that makes you smile, or set up a small bowl of fresh fruit on your desk.

4 – Brighten up someone’s day – offer to make a hot drink for a colleague you haven’t spoken to recently, get some biscuits in for your team or pay someone a compliment

Keep in mind; one bright word can change someone’s entire day or furthermore save a life…

Thank you to my beautiful friend Lily for the inspiration behind this post! She’s a true fighter and I will never let her stand alone…

Dear Anorexia,

Dear Anorexia,
You came into my life and stole my happiness.

I guess you had been hiding in the shadows for a while, following me around, watching my every move. You crept up on me slowly stepping closer only when I was most vulnerable. I was convinced you where a friend.

Oh how I was wrong.

At first I noticed you at school sat at the back of the classroom. You noted every flaw. Natalies spinal surgery; you whispered advice. Mums cancer; you stood by my side. Grandads heart attack you took my hand. Everywhere I turned you where there always in the back of my mind.

Your voice grew louder as I grew older. You started commanding me to do things. STARVE, EXERCISE, PURGE. I followed your commands believing you would help. Every time I listened you gave me a sense of control. But then you snatched in from me and I realised I never had it all along. I became weaker as you grew stronger.

You stole those closes from me pushing them into the shadows. You took over my soul and stole my laughter. Family and friends became an inconvenience to you as I sat back helplessly frightened of your power. You starved my hope and purged my dreams.

Nothing was left.

The day came when I was constantly cold and plagued with fatigue. My hair began falling at my feet, as death blackened my sunken eyes. I was screaming for help but you never let them hear. You left them hurt, raw and crying at my hospital bed.

I was never good enough for you.

But now I’m stronger and things are different. You made me miss out on so much so now I’m fighting back. One day at a time I will fight your lies, releasing your grip. See, you have lied to me and I will never forgive or surrender to you.

From now on I am stronger.

No matter how many times I fall down, I will always pick myself up because I am no longer living a life with you. With living a synonym for barely existing in a world suffocated by the war you created, I am regaining my strength and continuing the battle.

I WILL live my life. I WILL follow my dreams and no matter what is thrown at me I WILL beat you.
It might take until my dying breath but this is a promise – you will never win…

From CAMHS to AMHS – “Start where you are, use what you have and do what you can…”

In the last few months having turned 18, I have been through the transition from CAMHS to Adult mental health services. When I first knew this was happening I looked online to see how others found transition, but for some reason I could not find anything. So here I am to fill the internet gap and hopefully enlighten someone in the same position I was.
At first, when it was mentioned, I was reluctant; with the idea of being trapped in the ‘system’, having to start therapy again with new people and the fear of mental illness dictating my life.

However, after much anxiety I came to terms with the idea and realised I could not fight this on my own without support from services…. A meeting was then set up with my CAMHS team and someone from the Adult Eating Disorder service. It was strange knowing someone I had never met before would soon be helping me with some of my most personal struggles..

For me I was lucky my transition was quite smooth. I had a few meetings with CAMHS and the new Adult Eating Disorder Service and then one with my new psychologist in a familiar setting (CAMHS). I thought the idea of meeting in a ‘familiar setting’ was pointless but when it actually come to going to the new place for my first appointment I missed my first appointment because I was consumed by overwhelming anxiety.

I felt bad for wasting his time, but luckily for me my new psychologist was very understanding and after a phone call we agreed a way to make it easier. I think this was a turning point for me and the moment I realised he just wanted to help.

Having now been under the Adult Eating disorder service for almost a month (without Camhs aswell) I am finally beginning to feel more comfortable to open up and some things are already starting to improve. I suppose in contrast from a year ago I have come a long way – with not revealing what was under the surface to family/ friends/ or professionals I had known for a while – to now opening up to someone completely new.

I think the most valuable part of my recovery so far is learning to connect with my backlog of emotions, which on some days feels impossible. Things aren’t exactly smooth but opening up about what’s truly going on has allowed me to access the right help. I bottled things up for years but now I am beginning to face the reality.

I’m learning to focus on the small accomplishments. Getting up, having breakfast, going to school. These small victories stop me from denying credit of accomplishing things. Because no matter how insignificant things might seem at the time recovery is all about the small steps.
“Start where you are, use what you have and do what you can…”

New Years Resolutions…more harm than good?

Well Hello 2017,                                                                                                                         page 1 of 365

As I shut the chapter of 2016 I find myself reflecting on this year as a whole. Its been filled with plenty of highs and lows, successes and learning points but introspectively I have certainly discovered a lot about both myself and indeed others.

You see we are all in a state of constant growth, be it physical, mental or spiritual. And with yet another NEW YEAR setting in it brings yet more opportunities. In this post I thought I’d focus with a strong topic of conversation at the moment… New Years Resolutions.

As many attempt these today some will find they will last till February whereas others only all of a few days. I mean setting a goal too last a whole year, yet hasn’t been achieved in the previous is pretty hard going…. And leaves me questioning is it really worth it?

Personally, I have not made a New Years resolution this year because in the past I hated how they made me feel when I “couldn’t” live up-to my own high standards. I mean for starters, they were always unbelievably unrealistic and sometimes even became obsessively unhealthy.

It has taken me many years to reach this conclusion and realise that these ‘resolutions’ have actually caused me more problems than help. This is why instead I have decided this year I will devise three alternative promises to myself.

1) “I promise to Love Myself no matter what.”

We cannot truly enjoy happiness if we are not at peace with ourself. Our relationship with ourself is the most important one we’ll ever have, and is the one which allows us to be there for others and be appreciated as the person we truly are.

2) “I promise to Let Go of any and all negativity IN me and around me.”

To let go of negativity means to let go of all that is holding you back from emerging into your truest self. You must let go of past pain through realising it has only made you stronger. You must let go of toxic relationships that are preventing you from being who you are. You must let go of fear by facing personal challenges. You must let go of limiting beliefs by opening your mind to learning. You must let go of bad habits by replacing them with positive alternative. You must let go of self judgement by loving yourself. You must let go of sadness by adding a conscious dash of happiness in your life. You must let go of all that doesn’t nourish your heart and soul.

3) “I promise to make everyday my best day yet.”

To fulfill this promise you must make sure that you live everyday like it was your last. You don’t live with regrets and “should’ves”. Instead you seize every moment and cherish the memories.

Make yourself these three promises and your future self will thank you, for like those above, your heart will tune in and create pathways you never thought possible. All those tiny resolutions will fall into place effortlessly if you just make space for it by letting go and loving yourself.