I used believe there would be a perfect day when I would be completely free from Anorexia; no longer scared of food, numbers or losing control. I would celebrate the day by going out for a meal, eating chocolate freely or even throwing a party. However only now do I realise it is not that simple it takes time and perseverance.
See, my need for perfection has been strong in certain aspects of my life and I think by looking for this perfect day it is just another example. I am not saying that searching for the best possible in everything is a bad thing I just have to remember to appreciate the rest of the journey.
I have learnt it is ok to get knocked down on the way as long as I can pull myself back together and carry on in the right direction, where as before I saw slips as me being weak and failing. Sounds extreme I know but we as society also need to learn how setbacks however big can be resolved with small adjustments to get back on track and a positive outlook.
I have fallen down many a times so far but this was’t failure, failure would have been if I refused to get back up!!
Yes, recovery is a battle that even when you have reached a healthy weight you have not won. It is not always easy and some days I’m left thinking I’ll try again tomorrow. But now I know that falling gives me the opportunity for a fresh start, to learn from my mistakes and to rebuild my courage! I now go out with friends, eat ice-cream and am more carefree than previously but recovery is not always pretty. Some days are easier than others like with anything, but the moments of internal conflict can still effect both me and those around me remarkably…
My family is not afraid to admit they are “skeptical”, yes they believe I am “capable of overcoming Anorexia” but because I am still in the early stages and have many set backs they have to remain cautious and on the look out of any ED behaviours sneaking to the forefront.
I have days when I cry, find it very difficult to even touch my fork and facing food seems impossible – but this just gives me more of a reason to fight what is destroying me. I am not saying every meal is like a this but the harsh reality is Anorexia is still very much present in the dining room.
Some days I am able to conquer fear foods where as other times the thought of facing them throws me completely off route…. On these day’s it can feel like an uphill struggle but I have to remind myself of the view at the top, this is what motivates me to continue…
I have a strict meal plan to stick to and set times to eat. My family have to keep on constant alert so I do not miss anything out and we have to structure the food shopping so we have exactly what I need. Yes its awkward and a lot of pressure on my parents, but it is also my medicine and without it, it can make me vulnerable.
I am forever thankful to the friends, family and health professionals fighting my corner and although I sometimes feel they are against me, in this moment of time I can clearly see they are actually against my Anorexia….
“It was heartbreaking seeing my illness devastate my family and friends. I pushed the ones closest to me away because I was so damaged I wanted to protect them, I also felt I didn’t deserve their love and support…… but for those who stayed true to me and never gave up… I remain forever thankful!!”
I owe it to you and myself to carry on fighting!