I will now strive for progress not perfection…

I used believe there would be a perfect day when I would be completely free from Anorexia; no longer scared of food, numbers or losing control. I would celebrate the day by going out for a meal, eating chocolate freely or even throwing a party. However only now do I realise it is not that simple it takes time and perseverance.

See, my need for perfection has been strong in certain aspects of my life and I think by looking for this perfect day it is just another example. I am not saying that searching for the best possible in everything is a bad thing I just have to remember to appreciate the rest of the journey.

I have learnt it is ok to get knocked down on the way as long as I can pull myself back together and carry on in the right direction, where as before I saw slips as me being weak and failing. Sounds extreme I know but we as society also need to learn how setbacks however big can be resolved with small adjustments to get back on track and a positive outlook.

I have fallen down many a times so far but this was’t failure, failure would have been if I refused to get back up!!

Yes, recovery is a battle  that even when you have reached a healthy weight you have not won. It is not always easy and some days I’m left thinking I’ll try again tomorrow. But now I know that falling gives me the opportunity for a fresh start, to  learn from my mistakes and to rebuild my courage! I now go out with friends, eat ice-cream and am more carefree than previously but recovery is not always pretty. Some days are easier than others like with anything, but the moments of internal conflict can still effect both me and those around me remarkably…

My family is not afraid to admit they are “skeptical”, yes they believe I am “capable of overcoming Anorexia” but because I am still in the early stages and have many set backs they have to remain cautious and on the look out of any ED behaviours sneaking to the forefront.

I have days when I cry, find it very difficult to even touch my fork and facing food seems impossible – but this just gives me more of a reason to fight what is destroying me. I am not saying every meal is like a this but the harsh reality is Anorexia is still very  much present in the dining room.

Some days I am able to conquer fear foods  where as other times the thought of facing them throws me completely off route…. On these day’s it can feel like an uphill struggle but I have to remind myself of the view at the top, this is what motivates me to continue…

I have a strict meal plan to stick to and set times to eat. My family have to keep on constant alert so I do not miss anything out and we have to structure the food shopping so we have exactly what I need. Yes its awkward and a lot of pressure on my parents, but it is also my medicine and without it, it can make me vulnerable.

I am forever thankful to the friends, family and health professionals fighting my corner and although I sometimes feel they are against me, in this moment of time I can clearly see they are actually against my Anorexia….

“It was heartbreaking seeing my illness devastate my family and friends. I pushed the ones closest to me away because I was so damaged I wanted to protect them, I also felt I didn’t deserve their love and support…… but for those who stayed true to me and never gave up… I remain forever thankful!!”

I owe it to you and myself to carry on fighting!

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15 thoughts on “I will now strive for progress not perfection…

  1. I love your quotes! You have so much wisdom and I’m glad you are writing it here for yourself as well as others. Even though you may never be done with recovery, it will get easier over time as you continue to work your program. I believe you will get used to your new habits and they will become second nature to you. Then you will be able to devote more time and energy to the other things you love as you continue to be healthy love yourself. Keep up the good work!

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  2. When trouble knocks at any door of man it always involves the physical and spirituality of the individual. The spiritual aspect is always more difficult to surmount. You took the best step by fighting the illness psychologically i.e. spiritually. A man called Job, in the Bible, said, “I know my redeemer liveth”, that was a spiritual fight. He also said, “But he knoweth the way that I take: [when] he hath tried me, I shall come forth as gold” (Job 23:10). Your tenacity has paid you great dividend health wise. Your courage is a wake up call for those who’ll tread the same health route; and I do hope they’ll have wonderful testimonies too, coming forth as gold! Thank you a lot for following me. God bless your beautiful years.

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  3. Anxiety and depression here (so not the same thing, but some similarities). Perfection is overrated and probably mythical. But sometimes there is a day, not a perfect day, just a regular day where something makes you think and look back over the last year or month (or whatever) and see all the progress you didn’t quite notice when you lived it. And that’s pretty good too.

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  4. Have you ever thought of working with art to help with your recovery? I say this because up until I was in my late ‘forties I never did any art, then went to a mandala workshop where I learned to create art in circles and that my strength lay in symbols rather than real-life. I tell you what, it helped my self-esteem immeasurably and I never suffer from the bouts of depression which used to hit me from time to time. I am 69 at the end of this month, create digital art and I’m a writer, a far cry from the uncertain girl I used to be at your age (not that I’m saying you need to take as long as me to find your direction!). Now I work a lot with the Magic Art app I downloaded to my Lenovo tablet, you can create lovely images just moving your fingers, listen to very relaxing music, take a photo, then I switch to the Prisma app where you can add overlays of various artistic styles. It’s cheating a bit, i guess, but so much fun! Wishing you the best, Mo.

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  5. Keep up the good work. Everyone has their personal demons and battles and through fighting you will be able to be the winner and find your inner peace, you so deserve! It seems to me you are already on the path towards healing. Take your time, one step at the time.
    Kallia

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