Last week I was driving back to Huntercombe Hospital with my Mum and Dad. About half way the car started making a terrible noise and lights where flashing on the dashboard where they weren’t meant to. After about an hour and a half of chugging along we finally convinced my Dad to pull over (Stubborn I know!). The car then refused to start-up again…
We where about 10 minutes from the hospital on top of a steep hill and it was beginning to get dark so we decided to ring up the hospital. When eventually finding signal they said they would send a taxi…
I was nervous about getting in the taxi on my own but had no other way of getting there. But when I got in it was an old lady who had come especially out to get me and she was still in her pyjamas, this made me feel more relaxed. She started to speak to me just general chit-chat which was nice….but then she asked me a question.
“Your not a patient are you? You don’t look anorexic, I mean you’re not fat fat but…”
Bam…. she had awaken the demon anorexia and invited her back into my life. She crippled me in them few seconds, making me feel unworthy of help and a fake. I felt not good enough and started to feel sick. I was fat she convinced me and I had to do something about it.
I carried on the conversation with her politely replying “I am but I’m at the end of treatment so now weight restored”. I felt as if I was sinking and when I got to the hospital I began to cry. I then gained the courage to go inside, after sitting outside the door for a while.
I hid my emotions well and told one of the nurses what she had said. He broke it down for me and allowed me to think rationally. He told me that she did not mean I was fat but I just did not look like a new admission and said she should not have said anything to me about it anyway. I tried to see this but anorexia had suddenly become so strong it was hard to think straight.
I struggled for the next few days in hospital till I eventually fought it away and saw it was not worth dwelling on as there ar far more important things in life.
I thought this shows that just because I am now no longer 3 stone underweight I still struggle with the same thoughts and the only difference is I am fighting not to act on them.
I need to work on finding and avoiding triggers and I might explore this in a future post – noting down things that people say that can be unhelpful during recover….. But one thing I have learnt from this experience is that anorexia is certainly a mental Illness that doesn’t disappear when a person is eating and at a healthy weight.