Discharge is only one step closer to the finish line and I’m racing towards it!

Today, I have received the most exciting news which I cannot wait to share…

I am being discharged next month!!!

Being told this today was one of my happiest and proud moments in my recovery so far…

  • the idea of finally being free
  • getting on with my life and
  • enjoying all the things I used to

But it also left me with an overwhelming anxiety…

  • the fear of things getting out of control again
  • ending up back in hospital
  • leaving the constant support of all the staff behind and
  • lastly saying goodbye to some of the kindest people I have ever met

In this post I’m going to explore how discharge still only means the beginning of recovery…

As those of you who know me can now see, I am now much more confident and outgoing than I was previous to admission. I have done things recently that I would never have dreamed of doing not only because I barely had the energy to walk but because I was consumed by social anxiety.

This is something I haven’t really mentioned to many people as I have managed to hide it in such a way people would laugh if I told them. Firstly I would like to say not all mental illnesses are obvious and just because someone has social anxiety it does not necessarily mean they are socially awkward. In fact over the years the way I have coped with it is in quite the opposite way, and if you asked anyone I knew they probably wouldn’t expect it. I am not ashamed of this because it is a very common problem amongst people of all ages and can come in various severities and forms. This can be from getting a panicky feeling when going out with friends, paying in a shop or the fear of seeing anyone at all.

Likewise with Anorexia just because I am getting discharged and am now weight restored it does not mean I am magically cured. See, this is the misconception with eating disorder as many assume just because your eating and a healthy weight things are perfect. However it can be quite the opposite as sufferers still have to battle daily with the thoughts of restricting and losing weight, not because they are giving up but because Anorexia convinces you this will make you happier, more comfortable and better able to handle situations.

But with my first hand experiences Anorexia does quite the opposite not helping in the slightest it just worsens your ability to think straight and cope with everyday life making it especially difficult for people in the midst of their eating disorder to understand recovery is possible and wont make things worse, which can be frustrating for carers.

I thought by sharing this today it would give you an insight into how things aren’t always what they seem and show that no matter what size, weight or age people are it is always the right time to reach for help if they are struggling…

Discharge is only one step closer to the finish line and I’m racing towards it!

 

 

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25 thoughts on “Discharge is only one step closer to the finish line and I’m racing towards it!

  1. You have a blog!!! I’ve just read through these posts and wow…made me tear up! Not only do I feel extremely touched by your story, but to know that my best friend has made friends with such a wonderful and inspiring person. Literally makes me so happy. Thank you for being there for her, thank you for sharing your story and thank you for talking about mental illness. Let’s stop the stigma! Good luck with everything, you can do this! Lots of love and smiles, Abbie xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Your friend is an amazing girl and has helped me so much! We are in this journey together and even though things aren’t ideal at the moment I know we will both get through this!! I hope she will return to you soon, she deserves so much more than right now! Thank you for supporting us both 💖hope you are ok too?

      Liked by 2 people

      1. You will definitely both get through it! Look how far you’ve come already! I will be here supporting you both all the way. I hope she comes back soon, I miss her so much. I know I will never understand the way you do, but I hope she realises how much I love her. I know she hates me sometimes and I do things wrong, but I’ll always be there for her💕 I believe in you, you’re amazing x

        Liked by 2 people

  2. I love and admire your honesty darling. From my own experience, which is almost identical to yours, I can tell how determined you are. I wish you the absolute best, and please feel free to contact me if you ever need any support. You can do this, I believe in you x

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Bravo and Kudos! As those of us know who have lived with anorexia, healing isn’t just about eating!

    I didn’t have doctors or support for what I went through… I was too ashamed to admit it to anyone. My anorexic period coincided with my first husbands addiction to cocaine. His weight loss was very noticeable, and as a severe codependent, I sought to lose weight to make his weight loss less noticeable!

    When I was twenty pounds underweight, he pinched my ass and remarked that I was still fat!! My doctor was getting very concerned and wanted to send me to a nutritionist to learn to eat again.

    That shocked me. It was my wake up call that the whole situation was unhealthy and even toxic. I realized I was internalizing his addiction and trying to normalize it. I realized his perception of me was very skewed!

    So the next time he made a fat comment to me, I looked him straight in the eye and told him there wasn’t anything wrong with me, that the problem was all in his eyeballs!! Lol!

    I started to look at WHY I was starving myself. I realized it was the ONE thing I could control in a life that felt out of control.

    As I started to look inwards at the things which were contributing to my utter codependency, I started to give myself permission to extricate myself fro feeling responsible for everyone around me and the extreme guilt I felt over not being able to “help” others!

    It was a hard lesson to learn. I wasn’t responsible for other adults decisions in their lives and their choices weren’t a reflection of my inabilities to save them and didn’t mean I was a failure!!

    I learned to give myself permission to just be me. Responsible for my thoughts and actions! Other people’s thoughts and actions were THEIR responsibility! It was mind blowing!!

    I had grown up with an emotionally and physically abusive narcissistic mother who never accepted responsibility for her actions. I had internalized her criticisms and toxic behaviors towards me. I saw her behaving that way with everyone, so I had just assumed it was normal even if it didn’t feel right!

    My biggest growth was separating myself from her emotionally and learning where my natural and healthy boundaries were!

    I learned to give myself permission for all the different steps of healing I needed to take, and when the toxic people tried to make me feel “disloyal” for no longer succumbing to their emotional manipulations, I needed to give myself permission to do that too!! If they saw it as disloyalty, it didn’t mean it actually was!!! That was all part of their own toxic and unhealthy world!!

    I learned it’s okay to value myself! I learned it’s okay to follow my path and not theirs!!

    It took me most of my life to learn those lessons! Now that I’m a grandmother, I’m writing about them more and more!

    So Kudos to being released! Keep going on your path! Keep writing! It’s helping both you and others!

    Peace, Tamara

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  4. Hi Kirsty! I just wanted to say, first of all, you are an amazing young woman with lots of strength and courage. I’m much older than you, but when I was in HS, my best friend went through an eating disorder and I just remember many days, we would go into the guidance counselor’s office and sit in their little closet and I would just listen to her. I remember feeling utterly helpless in stopping what she was going through and I remember visiting her in the hospital and playing upwords. I haven’t thought about those things in a very long time and she is still one of my very best friends. You will get through this. I can see you doing great things for this area of illness that is often not talked about. Secondly, Thank you for the follow! I look forward to following your journey back to health and wellness!

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  5. Fantastic that your recovery is progressing to the extent that you can be discharged. I spent a year in residential rehab because of my bulimia alcoholism and cocaine addiction. And like you I was frightened when I left and had to go out into the big wide world away from the cotton wool feeling of the treatment centre. I hope you have some practises like breathing exercises to keep you calm. I didn’t have any when I left rehab and became swiftly consumed with crazy OCD rituals. Good luck and thanks for the follow.

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  6. Such a nice news! I ve been browsing your blog and admiring your courage, you are such a strong woman already! Keep it up, I hope all is super fine in your corner of the world and looking forward to chatting here or there X

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  7. Thank you for visiting. Congratulations on Discharge! Look after yourself and keep doing what you are doing.
    We support my son whose journey began a little similar and we noticed and it was easier to accept, understand – that a journey sometimes stops, sometimes goes backwards a little – a few steps but hopefully – overall goes forwards. Dont be worried about blips, they could happen but overall keep looking forwards to all the amazing things that your life will bring you

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Hello! I am doing a project for English where we freely choose a topic and we do some research to share with our class. I chose mental illness and I found your blog through Timetochange. I would like to know if I can create a profile about you and your blog. It would not be released publicly, only to my small class (about 70 people). Please think about my request, thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

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